Trying to Be Me

I’m beginning to understand why so many blogs turn into mommy blogs after the author has herself a baby. Freaking nothing happens in your life anymore! And yet your days are so busy and full that you have no time for anything anymore.

It’s the same sort of phenomenon when you bump into a friend you haven’t seen in ages and they ask what you’ve been up to the last three months. Your face scrunches up as you struggle to quantify where all your time has gone when all you have to show for it is your totally alive child and yourself, also alive. It’s something that can be difficult to understand if you’re on the outside of it but kids fucking eat time and shit broken ambitions.

And I guess I should say that I do love my life. I love Ivy to death and will go psycho bear mama bitch on anyone who hurts my baby. I don’t regret where my life is in the slightest, I just miss being able to do stuff not constantly centered around my kid without needing coordinated helpers.

(None of this is meant as commentary on what anyone else does. You live your life however you want, I honestly don’t give a crap. I’m just talking about my own feelings about my own life and no one else’s life. To quote Markiplier, “You do you and I’ll do me. And we won’t do each other. Probably.”)

This all came into my head as I sat down to write something (trying to keep my ambition going!) and I couldn’t think of a single half interesting thing from my life that didn’t involve Ivy.

I never set out to be a “mommy blogger.” The title is a perfectly respectable one and I have a few mom blogs I would die without. The only reason I never wanted to be one was because it always seemed like there were posts they felt they couldn’t do because the subject didn’t “fit” in with their other posts. They inadvertently wrote themselves into corners. And I want to be able to write about any blessed thing that comes into my head without having to give a shit about whether it’s what I’m known for writing or not.

And so here are some random bullshit thoughts that I want to talk about that aren’t long or cohesive enough on their own to make a full post. Enjoy!

If you’re of the sort to watch anime (or any animated show) you should give My Hero Academia a shot. I know it’s been out for a little while now but hey, I’m old, I can’t keep up with anything anymore. It’s set in a world in which 80% of the population has some sort of special power, called quirks. Not all quirks are created equal and those with stronger quirks are heroes. Think like a superhero show but EVERYONE has a power and it’s awesome. Our protagonist is actually quirkless but he wants to be the greatest hero of all time. Super enjoyable.

I’ve always had like, hobby ADD in that I find a hobby, work on it a lot and then dump it for 6 months while I pursue something else. My latest venture is an attempt to try embroidery. I blame Erika Moen. I’ve always been a fan of her comics but I started looking at her Instagram and saw all the gorgeous needlework she does and was like, “Hey! I wanna try that!” I already have a bunch of thread that I have from cross stitching so I just got a little hoop and some cloth. It’s coming along pretty well the only problem is I decided to try to do a dandelion floof on top. When I couldn’t figure out how to make it look like not-ass I googled it and saw dandelions that either looked like pro level, way beyond my skill, or looked like total ass. I’ve already redone the stupid poof like 4 times to try to make it look less sucky and it still sucks but now I don’t even care and I just want it to be finished but I do still secretly care so I just quit working on it until I have the energy to fix it AGAIN. This is what I get for being so obsessive.

I never used to have a sweet tooth but recently I have had a crazy out of control one. My biggest weakness? Oreos. I eat them by the fucking sleeve; just plop those suckers in a bowl of soy milk and eat it like diabetes cereal. I should probably definitely cut back.

Matt bought me the remastered Skyrim for our Xbox One for Mother’s Day and I learned how to play with a sleeping baby on me. Its not even fair how addicted to that game I am.

I’ve been helping a deceased friend’s mother go through all the stuff he left behind after he lost his life to suicide last August. He was a really good friend I hadn’t talked to in a while and losing him was a horrendous shake. He loved buying and collecting books, tv shows, anime, manga and video games. Helping his mom go through the 40-some odd boxes worth of stuff he left behind has been therapeutic and also one of the hardest things I have ever done. I miss him every day and got a tattoo in his memory. (It’s a little d20 with his initials underneath.)

I recently remembered a band I used to really like but hadn’t kept up on. That band? Tupperware Remix Party. If you love 80’s inspired bands that are just insanely good at rocking and being funky then you definitely need to check them out. Their collaborative work with Ninja Sex Party is also really awesome and I’ve been listening to The Hit for like five days straight now.

 

What I’ve Been Doing Instead of Posting

Taking lots of naps

Frantic nesting bursts in which I try to clean everything in the apartment, only to wear myself out after the first twenty minutes, leading to a three hour nap

Dicking around on the internet

Playing video games

Watching all of Markiplier’s Five Nights at Freddy’s videos

Reading lore on the Five Nights at Freddy’s wiki

Having nightmares about Five Nights at Freddy’s

Cooking a butt load of really tasty food

Eating all of the tasty food, leading to regret in the form of gastric reflux

Hiding from the extreme heat like a pregnant slug

Drinking ALL THE WATER IN THE WORLD

Running to the bathroom to pee again because ohmygodmoveI’mgonnawetmyself

Rubbing the pointy heels of my baby through my tummy as they push out with all their might yet again because they’re mad they’ve had the hiccups for like, the last hour

Going to doctor’s appointments

Doing fuck all

Laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to wrap my head around the changes in my life that are right around the corner

Trying to find ways to not aggravate my SPD

Wearing sun dresses without caring that I haven’t shaved my legs in over a month, LIKE A BOSS

(Because seriously, I couldn’t reach to shave my legs even if I cared enough at this point to want to)

Being excited for the Mystery Science Theater 3000 reunion on the 28th

Trying to decide if the baby is gonna be an asshole and choose that exact moment to be born, making me miss the whole thing

Being torn up about my reaction to said possibility because as much as it would suck to miss the show I have still hit the point where I’m like, “HURRY UP AND BE BORN!”

Attempting to socialize with people, desperate to find someone I can talk to about anything other than my pregnancy (seriously, I’m excited, you’re excited, but I am capable of talking about other stuff as well)

Finally go swimming and use the maternity suit I bought like, a trimester and a half ago (but it still fits and is really cute!)

Strongly considering packing my hospital bag before giving up pretty much immediately

Swearing off tomato based pasta sauce forever because at this point it’s less a food and more a trigger for instant nausea and vomiting

Still not going into labor. Damn.

No Shame, Only Hunger

So it turns out I probably should have written some stuff before I got the re-release of Poké mon Red for my 3DS last week. I remember thinking, “I should probably get the blog squared away before I get this or else I’m gonna become an unproductive slug.” And whaddaya know? I was right! That’s probably why I should have listened to myself and written something before buying the game. But the siren song of Nostalgia! She overrides such common sense!

One of the “traditional” pregnancy things I never really experienced was cravings. Every woman I know who has been pregnant has regaled me with charming stories of cravings and the misadventures they caused. Hell, weird pregnancy cravings are a common trope in entertainment as well with the most “famous” one being pickles and ice cream. But for my first trimester (the time in which cravings are said to be at their strongest) I didn’t have any. Just a shit ton of food aversion.

Nothing ever sounded good to me ever and making myself eat something that didn’t sound good was a Sisyphean task that pretty much guaranteed I would be yakking my brains out later. It was a miserable experience and pretty much made me want to punch everyone who approached me singing their praises for how much they loved being pregnant.

The closest I cam to experiencing a craving would be my macaroni and cheese bender. I was officially in the second trimester at this point and feeling glum about my lack of weight gain. But I was finally starting to feel hungry again. It felt good to be hungry. I hadn’t been in a while. And more than anything I wanted the cheap boxes of Kraft mac ‘n’ cheese.

Mac ‘n’ cheese and I are not exactly best of friends. When you’re lactose intolerant you can end up disliking things heavy in dairy out of sheer wariness and spite. But oh how I wanted this stuff. It was the only thing that sounded good. And just the Kraft brand; nothing else would do to appease this small lizard-like part of my brain.

I made a grocery trip specifically to buy it. Once there I grabbed a hand basket and made my way to the day-glow orange cheese products. I grabbed a few boxes of the old standard when I noticed that they had the fancy Star Wars shaped mac ‘n’ cheese on sale for even less than the regular kind (!!!). I thought about it for all of two seconds before I very purposefully started swapping out my boring “regular” mac ‘n’ cheese for the WAY COOLER Star Wars one.

As I was swapping out the last box I heard a noise ahead of me. Looking up I saw a woman who looked like she was in her late 30’s, early 40’s who was watching me perform this switch out with no small amount of amusement. I made full eye contact with her and said, “Because I’m an adult.” And grabbed my last box of macaroni. I turned on my heels and walked away.

Every day for the following three days I ate an entire box of that mac ‘n’ cheese in one sitting, by myself for lunch. (Bonus: I never got sick from eating that much dairy though it has totally happened in the past so I dunno, I just got lucky I guess.) Afterwards my stomach officially “broke up” with mac ‘n’ cheese and I haven’t really touched it since. But it’s the closest thing I have to a craving or craving story so I guess it’ll have to do.

“Vignette” is way too fancy of a word for this post

It’s a snowy day and I’m feeling a little bit lazy so here are some more little random fun bits (no, not those kind of fun bits, ya pervert) instead of a “real” post.

**********************************************************************

I told Matt that we should have named Fang-A-Lang Ariel instead. He kind of just looked at me and I said, “Cause she always wants in here with us.” He sort of shook his head like he didn’t get what I was getting at so I started to sing, “She wants to be where the people are. She wants to eat, wants to eat their foo-ood. Batting and playing with anything that, mooooves!” Looking at his face all I could think was, “Ha ha and you married me, sucker!

(If you don’t get my song reference then you’re dead to me.)

**********************************************************************

I got to learn that babies don’t like Doppler wands at all. Or at least mine doesn’t. My doctor was just checking the heartbeat, making sure everything was still going well and the baby kept running away (so to speak) from the Doppler. My doctor’s face would light up as she would pinpoint the heartbeat but not two seconds after finding it the steady, quick, whoosh whoosh whoosh, would be replaced with various gurgling Katie-stomach sounds because my baby was all, “Fuck this!” And had moved away. I tried not to laugh as my doctor pursued my baby throughout my uterus with the Doppler, trying to get enough of the heart beat for her to be able to say everything was normal. Pro-tip: if your doctor doesn’t have a sense of humor about that sort of thing then maybe they’re kind of a jerk. Just sayin’.

**********************************************************************

Matt and I decided to get one last toy for ourselves before the baby gets here and splurged on an Xbox One. I was surprised (and a little suspicious of) the lack of a power button. Apparently you just have to hold your finger in front of the little Xbox symbol and it turns on. Matt demonstrated for me and my reaction can best be described as, “Puritan during Salem witch trials.” He laughed at me but I got revenge when he was surprised and baffled that the Xbox one has wireless internet and didn’t require us staking a cord over to it. We were like the apes at the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

**********************************************************************

Because of how Fang’s lower jaw is set she ends up sticking our her tongue while she sleeps 90% of the time. She’s very blasé about it too; she doesn’t mind if we poke her tongue or anything like that. She’ll still sit there with most of her tongue sticking out with a facial expression that reads, “What? What’s so funny?” The other day she was cuddling next to me and I looked down to see her tongue was actually rolled up like a taco. It was so adorable and bizarre and I tried to get a picture of it but of course as soon as I got my camera going she woke up and started cleaning herself.

**********************************************************************

Matt and I don’t share blankets. We can’t, actually. It’s my fault. I am a world class Blanket Thief and Cocooner. We tried sharing blankets for years but what would always happen was I would get cold, roll myself up in all the blankets, stealing them from Matt. This would bake me like a roll in an oven so I would eventually kick off all the blankets in a wad between Matt and I, like a weird textile third person in bed with us. We would both end up waking up in bed cold and with no blankets, wondering at the weird blanket wall in-between us.

And while I could have tried to blame Matt for this too, he is not the first person in my life to accuse me of such behavior so we’re both sure it’s me. I still do it to some extent even though I have my own blanket now. That’s why Matt calls me a Cocooner. I somehow manage to wrap the blankets around myself in such a way it looks like I’m getting ready to undergo a metamorphoses. I can go to bed with my comforter right side up, with the pattern at the bottom and when I wake up the blanket is upside down with the pattern at my face. I don’t know how I do it either.

**********************************************************************

Matt finally started playing Dragon Age: Inquisition (which means now we get to fight over whose turn it is to play). For this he made his character a female Qunari mage. (Just picture a 8’6″ woman with grey skin, horns and a staff that lets her throw lightning around as needed.)

While I have a tendency to play the game multiple times over Matt tends to focus on one play through during which he tries to collect/do everything possible. So when it comes to the romance aspect of the game I tend to only flirt with or pursue one person at a time (so I can be surprised when I play through other romances) and Matt is currently flirting with everyone he can. (He is a gentleman and stops if the other character is like, “Whoah, hey not interested.” Otherwise all bets are off.)

It’s kind of fun to watch this huge, lumbering woman flirt with everyone available to her. Matt’s favorite people are the ones who get flustered or don’t know how to respond to his flirting. I tease him that he’s not used to being the one who gets to do the flustering as opposed to being the one who is flustered. (If I had waited for him to start flirting with me I would die an old maid, let’s just put it that way. Matt is lucky that he’s super cute when he blushes.)

**********************************************************************

I keep feeling like there was something funny and interesting that I wanted to say but my brain has just been shrugging and saying, “I dunno. Go eat some cookies. We’re starving.” So I’m gonna end here and indulge in some sweet treats while trying not to think of my impending gestational diabetes test.

Skyrimming (Not as dirty as it sounds)

GAH I forgot how much of my time Skyrim eats up. Matt’s alarm goes off for work and while normally the sound of the loud MIDI music would cause me to hiss at the approaching dawn and fling pillows in his general direction because SERIOUSLY. TURN. THAT. SHIT. OFF. NOW! Now I bolt awake faster than he does, excited that I can start playing again.

Well, that’s kind of an exaggeration (GASP! A blog with hyperbole? NO WAY). It’s more like I flop about uselessly for a bit as my brain tries to get started and remember things like, “How Legs Work” and “Where is Coffee?” And then comes the inevitable breaking of the fast and I leisurely read the new articles posted on Cracked until suddenly I remember why I was so excited to wake up in the first place.

When it comes to most of my favorite things, the factor that guarantees my love the most is Story. If it has a good Story, then I am hooked. It doesn’t matter if it’s a book, movie, TV series, video game, flash animation, what have you. I am there. I know all the Things. I am the person you back away from slowly while whispering to yourself, “Jesus Christ, she needs to get a life.”

The point is, Skyrim DELIVERS on that story. I have spent God knows how long on the internet reading about various lore and things tied to the world of Nirn and the continent of Tamriel. They have books in the game, right? I read the books. ALL OF THEM. If there is something I don’t quite get or seems ambiguous WELP BETTER PULL UP THE WIKI AND SEE WHAT I CAN READ. (Seriously, I have a Problem.)

Now there are definitely games with More Story in them. Dragon Age is a great example of games that take your dialogue choices and things that you do and have them influence a BUTT LOAD of the story. I kept having conversations about things that were happening in my game with friends who had played and they were like, “What? That never happened with me! What do you mean she’s dead? If she’s dead then what happened during that one mission?” A total blast.

But Skyrim is too Big for that. If they tried to implement the same sort of influence your decision thing from Dragon Age the game would take roughly A HOJILLION more hours to make and the cost would reflect that. It just isn’t feasible. As much as that sucks, it makes sense and I think it’s a worthy trade off.

Plus you can always do what I do and Add More Story.

Matt loves watching me play because I like to sit and say things about Who My Character Is and Why He Would Do This and what his back story is and why he fell in love with that one girl and the Secret Vows they told each other on their wedding night and all kinds of things.

A lot of it comes from my brain’s inability to ever shut up. I just see things and add twists onto them, like the racist comment that one guy made against Elves makes my Dark Elf character’s heart break (she had a crush on him!) so she leaves the Companions, never to return.

And of course the game is constantly like, “Hey, go finish those quests you never completed.” And I’m like, “Shut up Game! My Khajiit decided he’s going to rise above the system and not become a thief or an assassin like his kin! He’s going to be Different! A Hero!”

I just have so much fun trying to think about my character as a Real Person and figure out what drives them to Do the things they Do. I know some people raise an eyebrow in confusion at my strange antics but it honestly makes the game so much more fun. Matt is constantly trying to get me to in some way record the things I think up since there are people who do that and find audiences for it, but I dunno. It’s like a Relaxation thing for me and I’m not sure if I would enjoy turning it into a Work sort of thing.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go see a little boy about a murder.

Look on the Bright Side

This was a pretty rough weekend, especially last night. But rather than focus on the negatives I’m gonna try and make a list of things that are good and make me happy right now.

  1. My therapist is finally back from his 3 week vacation so I can FINALLY go and have a good long talk with him again.
  2. I have friends who get Angry Mama Bear defensive of me when they feel that I am being hurt or treated poorly.
  3. I went through three boxes of my stuff yesterday and managed to get rid of a good chunk of crap that I didn’t need anymore.
  4. It has been raining a lot everyday lately.
  5. My chocolate mint plant is finally recovering from when I thought the rain we were getting was enough to water it and then about half of its leaves promptly withered and fell off because (no shit) even with the rain it has been spiking past 100º here during the day and it takes maybe 20 seconds for the moistness in its soil to dry out completely, leaving my poor mint gasping for water while I ignored its cries and thanked my lucky stars that nature was doing all the hard work for me.
  6. I started playing Skyrim again for the first time in a long while and have been thoroughly sucked in once again, allowing me to get out of my negative head space for a while and instead be an Argonian thief who wants to marry a wonderful Orc.
  7. And this morning, while I was using the bathroom, this happened:
I guess she likes having a captive cuddle buddy <3

I guess she likes having a captive cuddle buddy ❤

Return of the Knit!

An update on the knit project:

This is where the one in beige looked a lot like a ball sack.

This is the stage where the one in beige looked a lot like a ball sack.

I haven’t lost any steam on the shawl yet. I know it’s not super impressive to look at right now, mostly because of the size. Despite what it looks like, one round is something like, 288 stitches at this point (to give you an idea of the tiny-ness of the yarn).

It looks like the finished size is going to be much smaller than the last one on account of me using smaller needles and yarn than the pattern calls for. It’s looking like it may be less of a shawl and more of a shrug. A hankie. A napkin. A small whiff of fairy cloud that vanishes if you look too hard at it.

The center is meant to be an arsenic atom (because Madame Bovary kills herself with arsenic poisoning! See! It makes sense!) and there are lace holes that represent the electrons in their shells for the atom. The center is the nucleus. (The author mentions that you can adjust this pattern to be whatever atom you’d like but it’s been so long since I took any chemistry I will just have to stick to what’s already been spelled out for me.)

I mostly knit on this while watching a movie I’ve seen a million times already or listen to a podcast. The stitches are so tiny that anytime I have to actually pay attention or count anything I have to hunker down and squint at my needles to see the stitches. (The deep, dark green needles make it especially easy to pick out each of the individual dark blue stitches. This is what we call planning ahead, people!)

I don’t really have a cohesive way to end this so…. HERE MOAR PICTURES!

IMG_7197This is to show the thinness of the yarn in question along with how HONKING BIG THE SPOOL I HAVE OF IT IS. I could make maybe 500 more of these shawls and still have yarn to spare. PLUS I have a spool this big in dark green and beige (ack!)

IMG_6296Some detail of the shawl. The center (towards the right) is supposed to be the nucleus and towards the left we get the electron shells, complete with an electron in the front and center! You see it, right? Right? Please tell me you see it. *sobs*

IMG_2527This is the work-in-progress cabled scarf made of 100% wool that I abandoned to work on this new project. I think it’s been sitting on my shelf, untouched since at least April. I know it’s so close to done but… It’s suuummmerrrrr… It’s hoooooot. I’ll work on it again when it stops being in the 100’s or 90’s around here.

IMG_3393Detail from the scarf. I love cabling. It looks all fancy and complicated but it’s surprisingly easy. This pattern comes from a magazine I bought of patterns inspired by Harry Potter.

(Does anyone else get this weird like, extra loose spacey looking stuff in the stitches when you transition from one DPN to the next? I swear, I try to knit tighter in those spots and keep the yarn from being loose but I still end up with a finished product where you can clearly tell where each needle was. GAH!)