Trying to Be Me

I’m beginning to understand why so many blogs turn into mommy blogs after the author has herself a baby. Freaking nothing happens in your life anymore! And yet your days are so busy and full that you have no time for anything anymore.

It’s the same sort of phenomenon when you bump into a friend you haven’t seen in ages and they ask what you’ve been up to the last three months. Your face scrunches up as you struggle to quantify where all your time has gone when all you have to show for it is your totally alive child and yourself, also alive. It’s something that can be difficult to understand if you’re on the outside of it but kids fucking eat time and shit broken ambitions.

And I guess I should say that I do love my life. I love Ivy to death and will go psycho bear mama bitch on anyone who hurts my baby. I don’t regret where my life is in the slightest, I just miss being able to do stuff not constantly centered around my kid without needing coordinated helpers.

(None of this is meant as commentary on what anyone else does. You live your life however you want, I honestly don’t give a crap. I’m just talking about my own feelings about my own life and no one else’s life. To quote Markiplier, “You do you and I’ll do me. And we won’t do each other. Probably.”)

This all came into my head as I sat down to write something (trying to keep my ambition going!) and I couldn’t think of a single half interesting thing from my life that didn’t involve Ivy.

I never set out to be a “mommy blogger.” The title is a perfectly respectable one and I have a few mom blogs I would die without. The only reason I never wanted to be one was because it always seemed like there were posts they felt they couldn’t do because the subject didn’t “fit” in with their other posts. They inadvertently wrote themselves into corners. And I want to be able to write about any blessed thing that comes into my head without having to give a shit about whether it’s what I’m known for writing or not.

And so here are some random bullshit thoughts that I want to talk about that aren’t long or cohesive enough on their own to make a full post. Enjoy!

If you’re of the sort to watch anime (or any animated show) you should give My Hero Academia a shot. I know it’s been out for a little while now but hey, I’m old, I can’t keep up with anything anymore. It’s set in a world in which 80% of the population has some sort of special power, called quirks. Not all quirks are created equal and those with stronger quirks are heroes. Think like a superhero show but EVERYONE has a power and it’s awesome. Our protagonist is actually quirkless but he wants to be the greatest hero of all time. Super enjoyable.

I’ve always had like, hobby ADD in that I find a hobby, work on it a lot and then dump it for 6 months while I pursue something else. My latest venture is an attempt to try embroidery. I blame Erika Moen. I’ve always been a fan of her comics but I started looking at her Instagram and saw all the gorgeous needlework she does and was like, “Hey! I wanna try that!” I already have a bunch of thread that I have from cross stitching so I just got a little hoop and some cloth. It’s coming along pretty well the only problem is I decided to try to do a dandelion floof on top. When I couldn’t figure out how to make it look like not-ass I googled it and saw dandelions that either looked like pro level, way beyond my skill, or looked like total ass. I’ve already redone the stupid poof like 4 times to try to make it look less sucky and it still sucks but now I don’t even care and I just want it to be finished but I do still secretly care so I just quit working on it until I have the energy to fix it AGAIN. This is what I get for being so obsessive.

I never used to have a sweet tooth but recently I have had a crazy out of control one. My biggest weakness? Oreos. I eat them by the fucking sleeve; just plop those suckers in a bowl of soy milk and eat it like diabetes cereal. I should probably definitely cut back.

Matt bought me the remastered Skyrim for our Xbox One for Mother’s Day and I learned how to play with a sleeping baby on me. Its not even fair how addicted to that game I am.

I’ve been helping a deceased friend’s mother go through all the stuff he left behind after he lost his life to suicide last August. He was a really good friend I hadn’t talked to in a while and losing him was a horrendous shake. He loved buying and collecting books, tv shows, anime, manga and video games. Helping his mom go through the 40-some odd boxes worth of stuff he left behind has been therapeutic and also one of the hardest things I have ever done. I miss him every day and got a tattoo in his memory. (It’s a little d20 with his initials underneath.)

I recently remembered a band I used to really like but hadn’t kept up on. That band? Tupperware Remix Party. If you love 80’s inspired bands that are just insanely good at rocking and being funky then you definitely need to check them out. Their collaborative work with Ninja Sex Party is also really awesome and I’ve been listening to The Hit for like five days straight now.



One year ago today I was discharged from the hospital after having my gallbladder removed. I definitely don’t advise having surgery two weeks after having an emergency induction (due to HELLP syndrome). It’s the sort of thing to make you think some cosmic force is out there punishing you for something.

I honestly can’t be thankful enough for Matt and Red. Without the two of them I have no idea how I would have survived taking care of a newborn all the while feeling like there is a layer of powdered glass under the skin of my neck and right shoulder.

Did you know about the referred pain you can get for gallbladder surgery? I sure as shit didn’t but apparently all the gas that gets caught inside you post surgery bothers your insides where you don’t really have any pain signals for so your body refers the pain somewhere else; most commonly the neck and shoulders.

I still have my scars from the incisions: three little ones and the bigger one my gallbladder actually came out of. You can even still see where my surgeon made the incision bigger because my gallbladder was more fucked up than she had originally thought. Of course this incision was in just the right place for Ivy’s tiny fists to accidentally punch every time I breast fed her (I always used the football hold because I could not figure out the cradle hold to save my soul).

My hospital was super awesome though. They were polite, patient, helpful and they just loved the heck out of Ivy. She charmed the pants off of every person who came in to take care of me, including my surgeon. When we were checking out my nurse admitted Ivy had given everyone a case of baby fever. It helped that she has been an incredibly easy going and well natured baby. Matt and I really lucked the fuck out to have such a good baby.

Since it’s been a year of not having a gallbladder anymore, I’ve been sitting and wondering how much has changed. I’m unfortunately one of the many people who experience dumping syndrome if I eat food that’s too fatty. Otherwise my life is fairly unchanged. So goodbye gallbladder. I’d say you’ll be missed, but honestly ever since I found out you were the source of what I thought was my third trimester acid reflux all I can say is good riddance.

Also thanks for not being full of cancer.

Just Ramblin’ Along

Holy crap. I don’t really have a super cohesive topic for today but that seems like an appropriate first sentence anyway. I tend to not have super cohesive topics most days but I’ll pretend this is different somehow.

I’ve been wanting to write more on here but I’ve been using all my words for National Novel Writing Month which, if you didn’t know, is where you try to write a 50,000 word novel within the confines of November. I’ve never tried anything like this before so I decided to go for it. My word count as of yesterday is 25,006. (For comparison’s sake, not including this post I have written about 85,000 words on my blog.)  So yeah, after getting in my daily word count on that thing my brain is usually too fried to come over here and offer words but I figured today I would try.

Ivy turns five months old today. It’s crazy to me that she’s already almost half a year old. It feels like some sort of cheat of the calendar or something but it’s true. She likes sitting up now and loves it when we hold her up so she can stand. She’s not a fan of tummy time, doesn’t seem interested in rolling over but she’s gotten the hang of grabbing things now and can almost sort of shove them in the direction of her mouth.

She’s also discovered her feet now and loves the cats so much it’s hilarious. She doesn’t know how to pet them yet but her smile is enormous when we take her hands and run them along their soft fur.

Still no interest in solid foods though my boobs are more than up to the challenge of keeping my behemoth baby well fed. I’m looking forward to the day when I won’t be the sole provider of food for her.

Yesterday a friend of mine gave me a gel manicure (a first for me but it came out really well). When I got home I was holding Ivy and she grabbed my thumb in one hand and with her other she very deliberately poked at the colored nail with a face full of confusion and Trying To Figure It Out.

Teething is a bitch. Our pediatrician’s appointment last month revealed three incoming teeth but none of the sons of bitches have cut yet. So we’ve been holding a lot of cold teething rings up to Ivy’s very drooly mouth while she chews and wails. When the pain gets really bad for her we give her Tylenol (following the directions our pediatrician gave us). I’ve gotten really good at holding a wailing baby while coaxing it to swallow the icky icky medicine.

I’ve been working on a knitting design that I’m making up myself but I hit a part in the work where it’s just a long patch of nothing and since I am the knitter with ADD I have put the thing down in an attempt to work on more interesting projects. Except I haven’t been doing that either so really I’ve just been sitting on my butt doing nothing.

I want to try writing more for this blog soon (but god I feel like I’ve said that like 40 times and followed through like, twice) but with NaNoWriMo going on, that is my official priority. I want to write some stuff before Thanksgiving but no hard feelings if it doesn’t work out.