Keep Moving Forward

Moving has been… Difficult.

We’re not even there yet. Well, Ivy and I aren’t out there yet. We still haven’t found a house. Part of the problem is both Matt and Red need to have a full time job before we qualify for renting anything. And right now only Matt has the full time job.

I’ve forgotten how much packing just wrecks your house. Things that normally fit so well on your shelves or in their little nooks and crannies are suddenly taking up 500% more space in giant cardboard boxes that dominate your living space.

I somehow shaved off part of my tongue eating one of those frozen California Pizza Kitchen cracker crust pizzas. I still don’t understand how it happened but about halfway through my meal I realized the bottom of the tip of my tongue really freaking hurt. I showed Matt and he remarked that I was bleeding. When I went to look in a mirror I found that a small strip of flesh had been like, shaved off and was hanging on by a thread. I don’t get how it happened but I’m sure the speed and vigor with which I ate the pizza is to blame. Now every time I eat anything salty or acidic my tongue burns.

I made my older sister cry the other night. Not like, on purpose or anything but it was still my fault.

She had visited to help watch Ivy so Matt and I could pack together. (Matt once got snippy at me wondering why I didn’t pack while I was watching Ivy so I made him try it. The experiment ended with him exacerbated and begging me to watch Ivy so he could get something done. Vindication!)

It was night and I was walking my sister to her truck to say goodbye. I marveled that by the end of the month I wouldn’t be in New Mexico anymore. I heard a sort of sobbing snort and turned to find my sister had completely dissolved into tears.

Yeah, that just felt awesome.

I love my big sister. She loves me and completely adores Ivy. She loves dropping by on her days off and we just hang out. Either shopping and lunch (Cheesecake Factory) or just cheap pizza and YouTube videos. She’s my best friend and I don’t think I realized how much she’s going to miss us. Or how much I’m going to miss her.

Matt has to start his job this week. With no house and not even everything here packed up yet, there was no way we could go out with him.

So Matt left to Minnesota by himself this morning.

I am so so scared for him and my heart aches so strongly it feels like my whole body is made of lead.

I don’t have the words to properly express how scared and on edge I am. I won’t get to see Matt again until Red has a full time job and we get a house.

I hate that I can’t get a full time job. I hate that we don’t have money for childcare and that the thought of being away from Ivy full time makes me panicky and anxious. I hate that we have to rely so thoroughly on Red right now and that so much pressure is on him right now.

He says it’s fine though. That we’ll figure it out and there isn’t any resentment because well, he needs a job. That’s just how it works.

I know it’ll be okay. I know it’ll work out in the end. I know that Matt will stay safe and that if everything goes well I will see him again in about 2 weeks; by the end of August at the latest.

Maybe I’m just being a brat but I want it to be okay right now.

I’m just laying in bed, typing this and looking at Ivy’s sleeping face. She’s gonna wake up with Matt miles and miles away and she won’t get to see her Dad again until we get this all sorted out. So I have to be sure to do my best to get everything sorted out. For her sake.